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Motivation.. Goals.. Life.. Help?

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    Posted: 26 July 2020 at 1:56am
I find myself in a rut. I dug this rut myself over the last several years, I blame nobody but myself, and I'm finally waking up and being tired of being stagnant, of being miserable. I've developed an anxiety issue over the last years and on good days it's an inconvenience, on the worse days its crippling and makes it hard to function. I've alienated friends, I've had shaky attendance at work. For years I've turned to alcohol to numb it all at the end of the day. I write this because in a lot of ways I grew up on this board, maybe you guys can help. 

How do you guys find motivation day after day? What is it that inspires you? What pushes you forward?

The last time I was active on this board was probably around 2009, right when I turned 18. Since those days, I've battled homelessness, drug addiction (pills and synthetics), loss of friends to opiates, loss of a child during pregnancy, poverty. Even got baker acted once. I've been through it. Right now I've got a good job, my own apartment, a nice truck, a pup who I love. But the days are hard. I haven't moved forward in years, and only recently have I started caring. I re-enrolled in college the other day, I dropped out 2 semesters shy of an AA because I found myself living in a bottle after losing everything that mattered to me in 2015. 

Recently, I've made a few steps recently in the right direction. I've got out of the cash advance cycle, I reenrolled in school as I mentioned, I've been eating better and exercising. I've got to a point where my main bills, rent electric internet are all paid in full each month the day they're do. I've cut back to only drinking 5 nights a week, which isn't good but better than the 4 year streak I was on. I haven't touched a drug in years. But I have soo much work to do, and while I try I get overwhelmed, the anxiety kicks in and I have days like today, where I was off work, had things I should have done, but instead spent it all in bed anxious and miserable. 

Help.
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I find other people and activities give me purpose in life.

I have a hell of a job with a very long commute. Monday thru Friday it seems like I exist solely for work. Wake up 3:30 AM, get home 7:00 PM, bed at 10.

The only thing that keeps me going is having something to look forward to. Date night with my girlfriend, maybe spending Saturday on my motorcycle, etc. I have long term plans on my horizon too.

Have you ever wanted to try something? Guitar, paintball again, etc? Now is the time.

Also, dating in your late 20s seems different than your early 20s, in that people seem more established and it's easier to weed out the crazies and toxic people.
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Iīm AKA amputee since Oct. 2018 and itīs still hard to reach a Level to feel well. Need to kick my b... each day cause things Need to get better !!! Iīve started skeet Shooting which makes me fun and i canīt wait till saturdayīs to shoot some rounds, like when i was a paintball noob.

Stay strong and go on !!!
I like Tippmann !!!


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ocasta Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2020 at 1:16am
Originally posted by SSOK SSOK wrote:

I find other people and activities give me purpose in life. 

I have a hell of a job with a very long commute. Monday thru Friday it seems like I exist solely for work. Wake up 3:30 AM, get home 7:00 PM, bed at 10. 

The only thing that keeps me going is having something to look forward to. Date night with my girlfriend, maybe spending Saturday on my motorcycle, etc. I have long term plans on my horizon too.

Have you ever wanted to try something? Guitar, paintball again, etc? Now is the time.

Also, dating in your late 20s seems different than your early 20s, in that people seem more established and it's easier to weed out the crazies and toxic people.

I think my loneliness plays a big part. I commute an hour each way to work as well. I drive a Tacoma on 285s, I spend soo much money on gas. 

None of my friends ever want to do anything, which was a thing before COVID became big. After my collapse in 2015 I've spent the last five years essentially waking up, going to work, going home and drinking myself to sleep, rinse and repeat. Total hermit. I'm tired of that, I'm about to turn 30 and I havent lived my life to the fullest in a long time.

I've always had a passion for music, mainly metal, punk, and EBM. I recently got my computer working again, found out that all the music I'd made on FL studio over the years was gone. That was a hit. I'm looking at getting a new computer so I can dabble in a few things as well as the benefit with returing to school.

Thats good advice, find a new passion. 

One of my long time buddies who I game with and hang out with occasionally due to social distancing (I'm in Florida God help us) also wants to get back into paintball. I still have my gear. I havent played since 2011, which was awesome. I played at a place in Atlanta underneath a freeway overpass, such a cool venue.


Originally posted by spydercam spydercam wrote:

Iīm AKA amputee since Oct. 2018 and itīs still hard to reach a Level to feel well. Need to kick my b... each day cause things Need to get better !!! Iīve started skeet Shooting which makes me fun and i canīt wait till saturdayīs to shoot some rounds, like when i was a paintball noob.

Stay strong and go on !!!


Man, I've seen your posts and I cannot imagine what you've been through and the strength you must have to be doing soo well. I have soo much respect for that. I know a lot of you guys aren't religious, so please don't take offense, but I pray for you to continue to recover and do well. You're a better man than I could ever hope to be. I'm sure you hear this kind of sentiment all the time, but if you ever, and I mean ever, need someone to talk to, man hit my inbox I'll give ya my facebook or cell phone number. 

Today was an OK day. No major anxiety flare ups. I have been working on getting my stuff set up for my return to school, which provides some semblance of peace and hope. Maybe thats the key, pushing my insanity aside as much as possible and focusing on what I can improve. I've still got a shot to make something of this life. 

Thanks for listening fellas. Keep the advice coming. 
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Many years from now, the day will come when your yesterdays will far outnumber your tomorrows, you will look back at what you called bad times and understand that for everything there was a reason. War, failed relationships, kids and grandkids you will never see, death of friends and loved ones, and your body failing and your mind trapped in a body that no longer obeys your simple desires to even just walk, or just without pain. Then and only then will you understand.

"It don't mean nothing, nothing at all.........." was my generations reaction to things gone bad. You too will look back from a day of age and wonder why you thought those were the bad times. I have the scars of four holes in my body I was not born with, memories of times that I wish could be forgotten, and see in those memories of a long time ago and far, far away, the faces of the friends that will will never grew old. Yet each day I get up, sit on the edge of the bed, put my mind straight, place my feet on the floor struggle to my feet, and take the first of the days steps as I will never 'give up'.

From poor private in the US Army to financially secure in retirement retiree, 4 ex wives, 2 rent to owns, till I finally found 'the one', kids and grand kids that are close, to those not so much.

I sit on my back porch each night that I can, coffee in hand, Basset Hound at my feet wanting that head scratch, as I sit pondering the universe and the tomorrow that may never come, and thank God for the good that blessed me, and the bad that taught me.

You will make it son, you will learn from your past, becoming stronger because of it. Help others through their pain like yours, one day many years from now, you too will sit on a back porch somewhere, grandchild asleep by your side, memories flowing, some to be remembered and some, yes to be forgotten, and ask that question none of us have yet to find an answer to, "Why".

Edited by oldsoldier - 27 July 2020 at 4:57pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote impulse418 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 July 2020 at 3:04am
3rd gen Tacoma?

I too grew up on these forums. When I graduated HS it was nothing but a party until I crashed and burned and got sober through AA. At a couple years sober I went back to school and got my EMT cert. Did that for a year and then few different jobs. Moved out of the city up to the woods, where I landed my first "real" paying job at 42k per year. Got transferred to another city for a promotion, but my selfishness and entitlement killed that career path 18 months later. Moved back to Phoenix and started working for a medical insurance company, and realized how truly bad our healthcare system is. Moved from that to a phone sales gig, then to a route sales position for a wheel company. Got laid off in early April, and have been on the welfare since. Had a few interviews, and actually have two job offers. Ironically at two places I worked at before. One is in behavioral health, the other a tutor company. Both don't pay well, but by the looks of it there is a lot of people in the same boat.

It looks like you found the motivation, the action you're taking speaks louder than any plans. Some people find it through church, their family, job, volunteering. It sounds like you are religious person, and I think that can always help. Maybe search around and find a online church service you like, see if you can volunteer in anyway. But again, the actions you have taken speak loudly, and remember you eat a elephant one bite at a time.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote spydercam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 July 2020 at 12:49pm
I like the "10 Gebote" they are simple and good !

Problem if the bible is the Translation and how People(prayers, leaders etc.) explain this to others. Have a look at history !!!

Each normal not brainwashed human knowīs what right and whatīs wrong. But itīs getting worser again, cause brainwashed People already teach trash to next Generation. Yes human brainīs are easy to manipulate !

We all pay(helth,lives etc.) for the ego-trip of a few bastard leaders and their brainwashed followers !!! (In this case i have to grab my own nose too but i try to Change if itīs possible, donīt be a stupid cosume zombie)

Ok if ... , iīm sorry i donīt use FB and phone to Germany isnīt ideal cause a few ourīs away ! My english is also to bad for a good talk !?!?!?


Stay strong, stay health !!!

Edited by spydercam - 28 July 2020 at 12:51pm
I like Tippmann !!!


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Welcome anxiety brother.
 
I finally decided to face my anxiety issue after I also started struggling with depression when my dad was diagnosed with aggressive early-onset Alzheimer's a few years back. Thankfully my S/O is very cognizant of mental health issues and suggested I talk to someone about it.

I knew I had issues with anxiety my whole life, but just found ways to cope with the problem because I'm terrified of doctors (More on that in a second). Finally talking to somebody was nice. I don't do the therapy thing, but I do have a prescription for clonazepam to take as-needed. Sometimes I can go a whole month without taking any. Other weeks I take one about every other day. It depends on how bad things are.

Oh, I also realized that I have a severe phobia of doctors and other medical situations. It's somewhat connected to the anxiety problem. It's not been the easiest thing to deal with -- but I did find one of those dentists in town who will prescribe me a single Valium pill to take before cleanings, which helps me get through. Still haven't gone to a regular doctor in about six years. I need to get a physical done. I will get there eventually.

I know this doesn't help you if you're trying to be sober, but I consume cannabis pretty much every day anymore. Only in the evenings while watching a movie or something, but it's been a useful way to tell my brain the day is over and it can chill out for a little while. I barely drink anymore, just the occasional beer by the pool, but I've found my groove in a 7 p.m. joint. 

Quote But I have soo much work to do, and while I try I get overwhelmed, the anxiety kicks in and I have days like today, where I was off work, had things I should have done, but instead spent it all in bed anxious and miserable.


I don't know if it has a medical name or not, but I've grown to call it "the lockup" over the last decade or so. That thing anxiety does where you just kinda shut down laying in bed, staring at the phone screen or staring off into space. Getting out of the lockup is one of the hardest things to do. It plagues me a lot. It's especially the pits when I have free time -- I end up staring off into space in the lockup all day, and next thing you know I'm kicking myself because I didn't even get to do anything fun with my short-lived free time because I spent it all tensing up staring blankly at my phone screen, hoping life will just leave me alone.

Advice is a dime a dozen, but lists helped get me a lot. It was a suggestion from one of my doctors. Have a little notepad and write down all the things you could feasibly accomplish in a given day. Be specific -- if I have a 12-page assessment due in a month, I put "write one page on the assessment project" on my little list. Even stuff as simple as "pay bills" or "take out trash." Add it to the list, then scratch it out when you're done. At the end of the day, for me at least, being able to visually assess what I've done each day is a major help.If I can at least get one or two things going, I can usually get myself out of lockup. 
 
Here's my little booklet: 





Edited by agentwhale007 - 28 July 2020 at 7:30pm
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Originally posted by Ocasta Ocasta wrote:



None of my friends ever want to do anything, which was a thing before COVID became big. After my collapse in 2015 I've spent the last five years essentially waking up, going to work, going home and drinking myself to sleep, rinse and repeat. Total hermit. I'm tired of that, I'm about to turn 30 and I havent lived my life to the fullest in a long time.
 


I could have wrote the above paragraph for myself, but I (fortunately) didn't have a collapse and I have a little over 13 months to 30.

My friends are frustrating just as yours seem to be. Life seems to have so much opportunity and the idiots we associate ourselves with seem to waste it.

We all have had those experiences where a simple weekend spent playing some stupid game with friends turns into a lifelong memory. It depresses the hell out of me to know I used to spend all of my available time with my friends living life to it's fullest. For unknown reasons nobody seems interested in doing anything of the sort anymore. Even pre-covid.

I've spent many days working endlessly, going home, drinking myself silly, rest, repeat. I feel like I've substituted alcohol for something missing in my life. I try to avoid that now.

I try to have a motivator. It keeps me going.
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Originally posted by oldsoldier oldsoldier wrote:

Many years from now, the day will come when your yesterdays will far outnumber your tomorrows, you will look back at what you called bad times and understand that for everything there was a reason. War, failed relationships, kids and grandkids you will never see, death of friends and loved ones, and your body failing and your mind trapped in a body that no longer obeys your simple desires to even just walk, or just without pain. Then and only then will you understand.

"It don't mean nothing, nothing at all.........." was my generations reaction to things gone bad. You too will look back from a day of age and wonder why you thought those were the bad times. I have the scars of four holes in my body I was not born with, memories of times that I wish could be forgotten, and see in those memories of a long time ago and far, far away, the faces of the friends that will will never grew old. Yet each day I get up, sit on the edge of the bed, put my mind straight, place my feet on the floor struggle to my feet, and take the first of the days steps as I will never 'give up'.

From poor private in the US Army to financially secure in retirement retiree, 4 ex wives, 2 rent to owns, till I finally found 'the one', kids and grand kids that are close, to those not so much.

I sit on my back porch each night that I can, coffee in hand, Basset Hound at my feet wanting that head scratch, as I sit pondering the universe and the tomorrow that may never come, and thank God for the good that blessed me, and the bad that taught me.

You will make it son, you will learn from your past, becoming stronger because of it. Help others through their pain like yours, one day many years from now, you too will sit on a back porch somewhere, grandchild asleep by your side, memories flowing, some to be remembered and some, yes to be forgotten, and ask that question none of us have yet to find an answer to, "Why".


Not gonna lie, reading this caused me to tear up hard. I don't have any living Grandfathers, but if I did, thats the kind of advice I would hope to hear. Just wow. I don't know if I'd rather shake your hand or give you a hug.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ocasta Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 July 2020 at 3:24am
Originally posted by impulse418 impulse418 wrote:

3rd gen Tacoma?

I too grew up on these forums. When I graduated HS it was nothing but a party until I crashed and burned and got sober through AA. At a couple years sober I went back to school and got my EMT cert. Did that for a year and then few different jobs. Moved out of the city up to the woods, where I landed my first "real" paying job at 42k per year. Got transferred to another city for a promotion, but my selfishness and entitlement killed that career path 18 months later. Moved back to Phoenix and started working for a medical insurance company, and realized how truly bad our healthcare system is. Moved from that to a phone sales gig, then to a route sales position for a wheel company. Got laid off in early April, and have been on the welfare since. Had a few interviews, and actually have two job offers. Ironically at two places I worked at before. One is in behavioral health, the other a tutor company. Both don't pay well, but by the looks of it there is a lot of people in the same boat.

It looks like you found the motivation, the action you're taking speaks louder than any plans. Some people find it through church, their family, job, volunteering. It sounds like you are religious person, and I think that can always help. Maybe search around and find a online church service you like, see if you can volunteer in anyway. But again, the actions you have taken speak loudly, and remember you eat a elephant one bite at a time.


2nd gen Tacoma. My first one was a 2005 Access Cab Prerunner TRD Off Road. I bought it with 26K miles, it was totalled with 160K. That truck had soo many mods. It was a beast. I beat that truck on and off road, it never let me down. I replaced it with a 2011 crewcab TRD Sport. This trucks just got a 3" spacer lift and 285/75/17 Nitto Terra Grapplers. I have OME 885 coils for the front, I just need shocks and a new leaf pack to replace that junk spacer lift. 

I'm not very Religious. I was raised in a Roman-Catholic home and went to years of weekely CCD classes, but I never was a big believer. A close friend of mine advised me one night to find "anchor items", something I could hold and touch that held a positive memory and gave comfort. For Me, I decided to use a cross necklace my Mother gave me for my Confirmation (Catholic thing basically saying your an adult) and I found that item to be powerful. My family relations have been quite difficult since turning 18, but that was always something I kept safe when I was thrown out. It was a gift of love given with powerful sentiment. Since then I've began dabbling in prayer, mainly during my panic attacks for help, and I've gotten help. I've recently began praying for the well being of others, and when I do it feels powerful. Just putting that positive energy out there cant hurt. 

Originally posted by agentwhale007 agentwhale007 wrote:

Whale dispensing untold wisedom.


It's taken me a few days to reply to this, mainly because of how scarily accurate it is. As I said in another thread, You've been someone I've always looked up to on this board. 

I was sick as a child, I had extremely bad allergies and asthma. I don't remember much of my childhood before age 9, but I remember the allergy tests, 100+ needle pricks in a day to see what would cause a reaction. I remember a terrible time trying to give blood and the nurse being unable to find the vein, attempt after attempt, at roughly 5. I have developed a phobia of doctors or medication. Neither of which presented until the last few years. I chock my fear of doctors up to my childhood and my fear of being told something is wrong with me. Due to my past struggles with pain pills, I find myself avoiding any and all medication at all costs. Even things as simple as Clariton or Tyelenol. 

The Lockup... I can't even begin to say what a perfect term that is. I haven't slept in my own bed in years, I sleep on my couch. Thats what its like though. I wake up and scroll through my phone until I pass out, rinse repeat. The few times my friends have wanted to do things this year, I've missed half of them because I wake up in lock up and either ignore them or give them some excuse. I work 40+ hours a week plus my 2 hours commute each day, my time off is precious and I wasted it. I've been a lot better lately about this but it still happens, typically when its been 2-3 weeks without having my two days off concurrently. 

To help with productivity and anxiety at work I had began making lists sometimes. It's helpful. I'll be doing that in my personal time. Just being able to scratch something off shows I've done something which helps the anxiety tremendously. On nights when I have a flare up late, and I know I'm all alone, i've begun doing random crap like cleaning out my pantry, or taking trash out, simple stuff because that sense of having done something helps. a

Originally posted by SSOK SSOK wrote:

Originally posted by Ocasta Ocasta wrote:



None of my friends ever want to do anything, which was a thing before COVID became big. After my collapse in 2015 I've spent the last five years essentially waking up, going to work, going home and drinking myself to sleep, rinse and repeat. Total hermit. I'm tired of that, I'm about to turn 30 and I havent lived my life to the fullest in a long time.
 
 

I could have wrote the above paragraph for myself, but I (fortunately) didn't have a collapse and I have a little over 13 months to 30. 

My friends are frustrating just as yours seem to be. Life seems to have so much opportunity and the idiots we associate ourselves with seem to waste it. 

We all have had those experiences where a simple weekend spent playing some stupid game with friends turns into a lifelong memory. It depresses the hell out of me to know I used to spend all of my available time with my friends living life to it's fullest. For unknown reasons nobody seems interested in doing anything of the sort anymore. Even pre-covid. 

I've spent many days working endlessly, going home, drinking myself silly, rest, repeat. I feel like I've substituted alcohol for something missing in my life. I try to avoid that now.

I try to have a motivator. It keeps me going.
 

March 17, 2021, I turn 30. 

It's frustrating trying to get people to things. I've invited to concerts out of town where I know the venue owners and the band so it would be an epic trip. Talking of going to HHN (now canceled) or the keys. Just getting out and going somewhere close by. We're in Jacksonville FL, theres plenty of close places to make memories. I make decent money and could cover most of the expenses, but everybody wants to stay at home and do nothing. Even simple stuff like going to the local bars so we can meet some girls (I work in St Augustine, huge tourist trap, plenty of single and gorgeous women all over) is met with refusal. It's like damn. I try to warn them that time just accelerates. 

I'm trying to find a motivator. I didn't make the deadlines for fall semester in gathering my transcripts, which was a huge blow. But there's also COVID going on, and now a minor hurricane coming.

 If I cant return to school this semester, my focus is going to be getting back into shape and finding a new place before my lease runs out in Jan. I thought I had found a house by work, just a little more than I'm paying per month but I'd cut my commute from 47 miles to 5, I'd also have a fenced yard for my dog and be in a nice neighborhood. I'm currently carrying a PF9 to check my mail. 


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I want to buy/build a house here to vacation with my family as I see fit.



That's my motivation. It's what drives me to work harder each and every day. I want to eventually be able to go there and just stay while being young enough to still enjoy all it has to offer.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ocasta Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2020 at 2:40am
Update:

I took some time off work this week to sort of recalibrate and just remove myself from a stressful situation. Saturday I made $200 for selling a friends car online he was going to donate to charity. We had to drive from Jax to Daytona to do it, but it was easy money.

Spent the rest of the week at home gaming, no major flair ups. 

Today me and a friend had plans to check out a property for sale, nothing but land, that fell through. Ended up being me, a very close buddy from highschool whose been one of the few people in my real life to help me through all this, and my best friend who I work with having nothing to do. We ended up at a local park that has grills with a ton of Italian sausage, had us a nice BBQ. Right after we got the grill going a MAJOR thunderstorm came through, we sat under a covered pavilion and watched the storm, then cooked dinner after battling to get the now wet grill re lit. It was a great day, one of the few days in recent months I can recall being honestly happy. Oh, and dinner was fantastic. 

:)
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Sounds like it was a good time in the end. Glad you had a day for the 'win' column.
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